The doctor says the hip is safe - that it's not going anywhere
I know this fear is irrational but it doesn't help me much
Three times now - with surgery done - I thought that things were going well
Slowly life began again as recuperation became a thing of the past
Off minding my business - doing things that must be done
A simple bend - a little twist and that was all she wrote
The socket gave out - the muscles they tore - the pain was more than I could bear
I screamed - I cried - Oh, how I thought that I would die
No movement could I make without without such pain
If even I tried to wiggle a toe, the pain I had just seemed to grow
The ambulance arrived rather quick (so I'm told) but the wait for me seemed to take so long
They tried to bring a stretcher in but through the doors it wouldn't fit
No matter how much pain it caused - they didn't have a choice
I took some pills to ease the pain of what surely lie ahead
It didn't help - it didn't do much of anything
I told them to do what must be done and ignore the screams from me
Somehow they managed to carry me out, with my husband and son standing watch
They felt so helpless, but what could be done?
A little boy should never have to live to see his mother like he did
I made them stop and wait a moment so I could ease his fears
He's so young and oh so very brave - far beyond his years
A few months passed - it's over now or so it seemed once again
I wasn't doing anything- just sitting in a car
Again a simple little twist and turn and right away I knew what had been done
A sharp pain in my hip - like a pop and a stab - the muscles they tore and then turned to rubber
All of this happened in seconds it seemed - before any pain had time to register in my brain
I couldn't yell - I couldn't scream -- I couldn't take a chance - I didn't want a wreck
With every ounce of reserve I had, I cried softly to my friend "Take me to the hospital now - it's happened once again"
I couldn't move it hurt so much but I had to make some calls
My husband first - he had to know -I needed him by my side."Please meet me there - I can't wait - I think I want to scream"
My sister next - she had to know - she'd been there herself - she talked to me and let me cry because that was all that she could do.
When we arrived at the hospital side, I was hoping for relief -I hadn't thought out the next step - how to get me out of this seat
The pain that I was feeling then was nothing compared to that which lay ahead
They had to move me quite a bit, yet noone knew just how
They couldn't give me any medicine because no doctor had I seen
After endless shifts and plenty of screams I was finally released from my tomb (or the car)
Once more they tried but couldn't put me back together without another surgery for me
When the muscles regained strength enough, they told me don't give up - we need to do the replacement again
A brand new hip (my third one now), and maybe even a bone graft or two
In my mind I tried to be calm and thought to myself perhaps this time I'll be good as new"
A few months passed - I started to relax once again
I think this time I am really on the mend
It was just another beautiful day - my son and I were home with nothing to do but play
I bent too far and felt it start - the pain racing towards my heart
I felt myself fall against the wall in hopes that it would stop
The pain was excruciating but I had to keep myself calm
I called out to my son who came running at once
I saw the fear in his eyes when he realized what had happened once again
He called 911 for me and told them to "come 'cuz my mommys hip came undone.
She's hurting real bad - she can't even move and my daddy's not here, he's at work - what should I do?
The only way that you can fix her is to take her in the ambulance.Hurry, she is hurting bad"
They tried to keep my boy talking on the line but once he told them where we lived, my precious little man told them he couldn't stay
He said he had to call his daddy so they could be together
I watched him hang up the phone then dial daddy's office.I knew exactly when he answered as my son's voice began to crack
At that very moment I couldn't think of me and all the pain that I was feeling
All I could see was what my pain had caused to my little boy - the fear and helplessness he felt just broke my heart in two
In no time at all my husband made it home and we sent our little hero off before the ambulance would arrive
The telephone rang - it was 911 on the line."We have bad news for you.All the ambulances are now out on other runs.
We are checking with other counties for help but right now it looks a little bleak so please hold on a little longer"
Three hours passed by in a slow, agonizing wait
I couldn't move - I couldn't shift - it even hurt to breathe
It hurt so much to even stand - I couldn't bear much more
The doorbell rang - a voice called out - "Paramedics coming through" - the words were a blessing to me
I heard their voices say "The stretcher won't fit down the hall. "
Oh no, not again - I knew just what this meant - more pain was in store for me
They had to lift me up and carry me through the house
With each step that they took, "you are killing me", I wanted to scream
How I wished that this was over - Lord, please let it be a dream
When at last on the porch I arrived, the stretcher I saw was a beautiful sight
I knew what to expect from this ambulance ride (or so I thought)
No IV site could be found on my arms (such poor veins - just my luck)
The paramedics were sorry that they could do no more
Each bump along the road was like the crushing of my bones
I talked and talked in hopes of keeping the pain from my mind - but it didn't seem to work
I prayed and prayed that the ride would be over and that helped me shorten the ride
Right up to the ER the ambulance rolledOut of the back and right into a room
The doctor she came in and had an IV started to help alleviate some pain
She read my chart and saw the many problems from the past.
She knew without a doubt that I would need my specialist to help me out
Two surgeries later - many more months have now passed
I pray with all my heart that it's the last I'll ever need (but I know in my mind it's not but it's something I can dream)
My muscles now have weakened to the point of atrophy - I'll need to build them up if I ever want to be free
I want to drive a car - it s been almost two years now.
I have been blessed to own a scooter to get me all around
But now I want my freedom - oh I want to walk around
The pain I feel now is mostly in my head
I can't seem to make it go away - I can't seem to stop the dread
A muscle spasm happens and it causes fear to fill my thoughts
Please, Lord, not again. I can't take it anymore
My fear grows stronger every time I lose control
If I should twist or bend in just the "wrong" way, I get so very scared
I can't allow this fear to dominate my life
I'm still afraid to travel too far from my home, in case it happens once again
I want to have my confidence back - to be the wife and mom that I was before it all began
I know someday my life will settle down, this overwhelming fear of pain will eventually subside
Until that time it's up to me to try and live my life elegantly - try not to focus on the fear of pain but rather on the here and now
I'll keep my head held high
I'll keep my prayers upon the Lord
I'll keep a smile planted firmly on my face no matter what the course
As each new day passes without a horror - I will be one day closer to my goal.
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